I've been so caught up with school, and uh, school, I can't remember the last time I actually posted here in LiveJournal. I've been taking modules about writing the 'proper way', I can't recall the last time I actually had the chance to do some uninhibited writing where I don't have to care about newsworthiness or whether or not I am writing in the correct structure and things like that. 

I hope that everyone has been doing fine in school. :) 

Everything is going well for me right now- I have good friends, am enjoying myself in school, even though my workload suffocates me sometimes and home has become my second home. Also, love songs are starting to make sense for me once more and yes, I can say that I am happy with where I am. 

I can finally say that I enjoy every single bit of what I am doing and I don't have to worry about grades anymore. I have come to realise that doing something I love and with passion will automatically lead to me doing well, and being rewarded for that; because loving and being passionate about it translates to me giving my all and doing the best that I can. 

 

I remember the last leg of Secondary school when I was yearning so much to get out of the whole system so that I could do something of interest to me, rather than studying just to get the grades, and how much that really sucked for me. Looking back I realised how narrow minded and shortsighted I was when all I saw was that doing well and getting good grades was all that I had to do. I have now come to realise (thank God) that there is so, so much more to that than just studying and doing well in school. 

 

The people that I have met, the people who have inspired me and I am proud to say, the people whom I have influenced are all so amazing, it's surreal. I am surrounded with motivated people the make me feel bad for wanting to nap all the way home from school. Scholars, Ambassadors- amazing people that I am blessed to work and learn with. I went to Chiang Mai, attended the Pre U Seminar, organised Open House and RED Camp, grew, laughed, cried, fell in love with them and wow, the whole year and a quarter in school has been breathtaking. 

 

I know that the rest of the semester and in fact, the rest of year two's gonna be a tough challenge. The next seven weeks or so are gonna push me beyond my limits and will be a real test for me. But somehow knowing that I have good friends to back me up and special people to keep me going makes me all the more motivated and I know that I'm gonna come out of this stronger than ever. 

 

With that, I end my rant and shall shower and get some work done before the new term starts. :) 

 
The amount of blessings I have received during the past year or so have been  countless and I simply cannot understand why He chose me to give all these gifts to. It's overwhelming really, the opportunities I have received and am about to get. 

Shall just take the night to give thanks and just soak everything in for a while. :)


 

 

 

Walking around school during Open House looking at the visitors; offering help to those lost sheep and seeing the mini transformation that they have the moment the enter NP to the moment they leave the school, sharing my experiences with them about Poly life and clearing up misconceptions that they have about any courses in particular is just an intangible feeling that leaves me bubbling with pride. :]


Time for a quick break and a short rest and recuperate Sunday and it's gonna be back to business next tomorrow. DPA'11 camp from Tuesday night onwards till the end of the week- really excited! :) But that also means more work to complete and less time to complete it! :/ 

This time last year, Kristen and I were freaking out about the new environment that we were going to be thrust into: the new people we were going to meet and the new friends that we were going to make- the new chapter of our lives that we were going to write. 

After a year of the most excellent piece of writing that I have ever done (which has passed by really quickly), I am going to help the new bunch of DPA kids write the introduction (any maybe a few body paragraphs) of what I am sure is going to be a whirlwind chapter of their lives. 
Wish me luck! :) 


Gosh I love my life. 

 
I don't think I am doing a lot. Really. I don't think I am.
But I have come to the point where I am questioning my priorities and have had to sacrifice more friendship and relationship time that I am comfortable with. 

I don't feel close to my fellow Spartans SLs (which is really upsetting) because I wasn't there for SL camp (I went for OBS) and had to leave ever so often for presentations and emceeing duties during RED Camp itself.
Prior to that I missed important briefings due to screw ups and let people who had to much faith in me down.

I didn't get the chance to facilitate at Confirmation Camp (the camp I joined YC precisely for) because I was involved in RED Camp.  
I haven't been attending weekday mass with the churchies because of school and Ambassadorial commitments. 

I've had to cancel, postpone and reschedule meetings with friends and even family for once again, school and Ambassadorial duties and the random (but important) church commitments. 

It's not that I don't have my priorities set, it's just that sometimes everything seems of equal importance for me. Okay I think I just contradicted myself by saying that; but I prioritise by where I can serve best and where I am needed most. Thing is, I see equal opportunities for me to serve everywhere. How am I and who am I to choose where I can serve best and most effectively? 

Today, I took away the opportunity to spend time with Spartans SLs because I was (and still am) feeling so physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally drained. I have come to the point where I see and say hi to familiar people and not remember which course they are from and where I met them. It has become a chore for me to approach strangers, introduce myself and make friends. I just feel so, very tired. 
I spent the time in prayer instead, visiting the Adoration Room and Mother Mary's grotto and just praying for the strength to get by this issue about my priorities and just to ask for guidance. 

I really don't know how much I can keep this up for anymore. There are two more major events coming up in the remainder of this first academic year at Ngee Ann for me- Open House 2011 and probably DPA Camp, both in January. Ever since I don't know when I have been running on fumes. 

Right now I just can't wait for the End of Year retreat with The Ark, as well as our Year 1 Camp in March next year. 

But I hope that till then, I can still dig deep and find more of myself to give away. 

  

 
School starts in less than a week. My timetable is less than spectacular.
Depends on how you look at it, actually. But, yeah. 8am classes on Monday and classes that start at 12pm and end at 5pm for the rest of the week. I get Wednesdays off, though. So there are two clear days for me to get back into shape.

It feels slightly surreal that the holidays are coming to an end so soon. But then again it's been such a long break I remember more about the holidays than about the first semester in school.

I was involved (somewhat) in YOG, I've been for TCP Camp and OBS, and am now planning for YLC over the weekend and RED Camp in November. I have gotten in touch with CCF and am in talks with them to bring Hair for Hope into Ngee Ann in July 2011.

I have been inspired beyond my wildest imagination, met the most amazing people I have ever met, and I plan to start of a beach cleaning thingy thing thing.

But it still feels as if I haven't been doing enough. I have not done as much photography as I would have liked to, and I have not given much of myself either. :(

So as I start an all new semester next week I'm just gonna split myself up into a million pieces if I have to and cross out as much on my To Do list as possible.

I have have have to get my dive license next year. I don't find myself credible sometimes- talking about the Ocean and conservation and all when I haven't actually been in the Ocean and exploring the depths of it.

It's like talking about how good Coke tastes when you haven't even tasted it before.

 

I had a really nice conversation with Tania. Well, it wasn't much of a conversation; it was more of me rambling me and her listening and telling me things that I really needed to hear.
 

It was one of those times when I knew what I had to do, but I just needed someone to tell it to me in my face and give me some affirmation.

Sometimes I get ahead of myself thinking about my future and what I want to do.
The events that I want to host, the places that I want to visit and the documentaries that I want to film.
In totality, the difference that I yearn to make so very much.

Many a time I get too far ahead and fail to realise that I am already out there, somehow. My YOG stint was a big break for me and I have a fraction of my foot through the door now. I just have to continue to work hard and continue to improve myself, look for opportunities and make them count. Make an impression and make sure it lasts.

I met up with many of my amazing friends in the past week. Had pretty solid conversations with them. Had many epiphanies and realisations that made me feel stupid, blessed and excited all at the same time. I also realised that I have to talk and write things out in order for them to become crystal clear for me to understand and absorb.
I remember the times in Secondary school when I tried so hard to be the deep thinking and brooding person who kept all my thoughts to myself and not speak of them at all. After a while I felt frustrated because I found it hard to piece these thoughts together and form something concrete and comprehensive. I feel so foolish because it was only until a few weeks ago and mainly this week when I realised that I have write down my thoughts and talk about them in order to make them stick.

My thoughts about the environment, world and social issues have all been running through my head non stop. Coupled with the 3 out of 7 days of this week I spend at Orchard walking around endlessly and the disastrous night I had on Saturday trying to cycle, I feel so drained, both mentally and physically. And to a certain extent, spiritually too.
But it's a good kind of exhaustion. The kind that makes me feel accomplished and fulfilled. I can easily say that I've had the best week of the year. :)

And something else that I have to highlight is the fact that I met this girl called Emma on Omegle. She's from Helsinki, Finland. I know, it's so ironic to say that I met someone decent there, but I was pleasantly surprised too. She speaks (or rather, types) rather fluent English (better than many Singaporeans') and we share quite a lot in common. Some of our views on religion, and our common interest in Glee and Cronaldo and Manchester United. :D
And that also made me think about the impact that the Internet has on us. Ten years ago I would never have thought that I'd be sitting here having what has been a 2 hour conversation with someone more than 9000km away. Damn.
And information comes to us so easily with just the pushing of a few buttons and a few clicks on the touchpad. We find out that nephophobia is the fear of clouds and there is such thing as a fear of ducks secretly watching you (it's called anatidaephobia).

Seriously. What would we do without the indispensable Internet?


After all that has happened, and as I look forward to what is going to happen in the coming weeks, I am convinced that it was a blessing in disguise that I didn't get the job/internship at MediaCorp. I got the time that I need very much to think and reflect and make the necessary decisions to get ahead and step out of this bubble.

I bought a self help book today about being a wise leader. It was kind of an impulse buy but I believe that everything happens for a reason so I hope that it'll change me and make me a better person and impactful leader.

I feel so immensely blessed right now because everything seems to be going in the right direction for me. Everything is falling into place so very nicely; I don't know what I did to deserve all this.
But I treat this as a sign that what I have prayed for has shone forth and I am going to make use of these opportunities and blessings showered onto me to make a difference and set out to do the work that He wants me to do. From now on, I am going to place myself in His hands and just let him show me the way.

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I don't understand why sometimes my motivation and inspiration can be so short lived.
One moment I can be in the shower or brushing my teeth, (I think a lot in the shower and while I brush my teeth) thinking up all sorts of stories and issues that I can write about and things that I want to do, projects that I want to take up.

But the moment I step out and sit at the table to make all these ideas work they all seem to drain away from me.
I type out a few lines and frown at how stupid and superficial they sound and backspace all the way and end up shutting down my Macbook in frustration and emptiness, and waste the whole night away watching the news and CSI or whatever I can find on cable.

I was supposed to get a job at MediaCorp but somehow that didn't pan out very well and now I am stuck with lots of output but no input. I have to shave my hair to make sure that I don't look like a porcupine while it's still growing out, buy a backpack that I need for OBS and get some optical sunglasses done.  
This is all very frustrating because I look at many of my friends working hard and earning their keep and here I am, sleeping my ass off from 3am to 1pm every other day, going out and spending money and coming home and bumming about.

It's just something that I am not used to.

Well, there's Red Camp and YLC coming up, and I'll be going for a 9 day expedition at OBS next week. Went back to school today to help out for TCP Camp 2 but I still feel as if I haven't been doing enough.

Talking about OBS brings to mind the supreme lack of discipline that I have right now. I haven't been exercising as hard as I want to, and I am having second thoughts about my commitment to Lifesaving and contemplating looking for other alternative CCAs. 

But the thought of committing to a Sports CCA and having to go for training that I know will last till late at night and will result in me reaching home at past 11pm just puts me off. I really don't want to sacrifice my physical shape and CCA involvement for my studies and vice versa. 

I have to find a balance.
But reverting back to the life I had in TK, which consisted of studies and Softball just scares me and is something that I really don't want.
I can safely say that it paid a huge part bringing me to where I am right now, and I am very glad that I worked as hard as I did. But I just can't imagine myself doing what I did for the next 2.5 years.
It's not a question of what I have to do, but whether I want to do it or not. 

And when the time comes, I pray hard that I will have the strength to make the right choice and stick to it.

I'm just looking for something different, something that will make me feel accomplished and proud of and something productive that will allow me to reflect and look back and feel good about.

It just frustrates me how there is so much potential in my mind but I just cannot find the drive to harvest this potential.

I need a constant source of motivation and inspiration to keep me going. Continue to surround myself with amazing people that will inspire me to keep going and do what I love and enjoy. 

I really have come to the point where I wish that semester 1.2 would start, so that I can prepare speeches for SpeechComm and write pieces for WritComm and record adverts for Radio just so that I can feel good about accomplishing something.

And it just frustrates me that after typing out all this I'll just shut down my Macbook once more and mark the end of yet another creatively unproductive Tuesday and go to sleep and wake up feeling the exact same frustration and sense of helplessness that I feel now. 

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